


Winter Love

by Nebula_Ocean04



Series: Winter Love [1]
Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27578161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula_Ocean04/pseuds/Nebula_Ocean04
Summary: Their love bloomed in the coldness of winter.
Relationships: Kim Jinwoo/Lee Seunghoon
Series: Winter Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2072100
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	1. Holiday Break

****

"One last toast for the star of the night." Jae prompts.

"Congratulations on your promotion, Manager Lee!"

I just shake my head as my colleagues scream in chorus. It's evident on their faces that they had a few too many drinks tonight. It's the Finance department after party after the company-wide and more formal Christmas party. Everyone is still on high spirit, not caring about the hangover that is coming for sure tomorrow as it is the weekend at last and the start of the holiday break. 

But despite being the light of the party, it's time to take my leave. Not because I'm already intoxicated, two cans of root beer and a bunch of finger foods can't possibly make me drunk. I have to leave because of the fact that my social battery has finally ran out. So I make my way to the exit of the karaoke room, responding to the occasional clap on my back and telling them to be careful on their way home.

It was a fun night that I sincerely enjoyed and my smile still lingers until I'm at the backseat of the cab and viewing the Facebook and Instagram posts where I’m tagged in. I also take my time to edit and post some photos of my own while the cab gets stuck in the holiday traffic. I don't know when I fell asleep but the driver wakes me up when we arrive in front of my apartment complex. I apologize as I pay and the driver smile amusingly at me as I alight from the cab. I even greet him a Merry Christmas before I close the door. 

The apartment complex where I live is economical yet decent. Four rows of four-storey buildings, modest in architectural design but safe with 24/7 security guard on duty. I smile to the guard who opens the gate for me and hands him the basket full of grocery items which I won as a consolation prize from the raffle earlier.

I remind myself to set my alarm for tomorrow as I climb the three flights of stairs. I am going to catch up with my best friends tomorrow, with hiking friends the next day, and with the riders club the day after that. Then, there are still school reunions to attend to next week. Just thinking about these makes me feel tired already but I also don't like to be stuck alone at home during the holiday break.

My dog welcomes me when I open the door to my one-bedroom apartment, his tail wagging wildly as he turns in circle due to his excitement to see me. I pick him up as I answer my younger sister's video call. She congratulates me and I show her the glass trophy I got for being recognized as an exemplary employee. I also tell her that I got promoted to a managerial position. She squeals in happiness for me which wakes up her 3-year old son who is sleeping next to her. My nephew looks ecstatic to see me despite having his sleep disturbed. He asks me how many days left until he can open my gifts for him which earns him a scolding from her mother to be patient, but I assure him only four days are left. My sister says one last time that she's proud of me and my nephew smooches the phone's screen to kiss me goodbye before we hang up.

My dog jumps out of my arms and sits on the floor in front of me to stare at me expectantly. I put down the trophy on my desk next to two more trophies I received in the past years and goes to the kitchen so I can feed him. I proceed to taking a quick shower and changing clothes afterwards. I do my mundane rituals before bed then turn off all the lights in my apartment except my blue night light. I look around my room as silence has finally settled in, making no move nor sound. The bed is in the same condition as I left it earlier, properly made and no crease. The curtains on the picture window are drawn to either sides revealing the calm and snowless winter night outside. 

I feel a heavy weight looms in my chest, making it a little suffocating to breathe. The bubble around my head that keeps me away from my reality bursts and unwanted thoughts start spilling out of my mind with no way to be verbalized. I collapse on my bed and curl into a ball, as a feeling that is not happiness slowly creeps in and cover me like a blanket of coldness.

I graduated cum laude after double-majoring in Economics and Accountancy. I passed the licensure exam at 4th place and completed my master’s degree two years after. I easily climbed the ladder and is now a Finance Manager even before I hit 30 by next month. I have a long list of accomplishments that should make me feel fulfilled but I feel the opposite knowing I have no one to share it with. I have no one to welcome me and reward me a kiss for a job well done. I had no one to cheer me up when I was stressed and feeling down. I had no one to draw strength and inspiration from on days that I felt like giving up. And I have no one to dedicate my hard works for. All along there is only me. 

Tears start to trickle as loneliness embraces me like an old dear friend. My dog jumps onto the bed and licks my tears. He makes a sound that is close to a whimper, probably sensing my sadness.

"I know, I know. Thank you for staying with me, Haute." And I rub his belly just the way he likes it.

****

I was resting for a bit after I came home from meeting with my best friends when I smell it. The smoke from a cigarette. The neighbor from the unit next door is probably smoking on the veranda. I slightly opened the door to the veranda earlier so that the fresh and cool winter air comes in and replace the stuffy air inside my apartment from being closed for the entire day, and not smoke. So I'm a little annoyed when I get up to close the sliding door.

But Haute is quicker than me to go out to the veranda and start barking.

I hear the soft "Why?" from a deep voice even before I can scold Haute to come inside. I follow Haute outside and picks him up before apologizing to the neighbor.

"Is it because of the smoke? Does it bother you?" He asks and he actually sounds concern.

I raise my eyes to look at him and I'm taken by surprise. He doesn't look familiar, so he's probably a new tenant. It's dark outside and both our verandas are illuminated only by lights coming from our living rooms but I can already see that he's handsome. Too handsome, if I'm going to be very honest, with those big doe eyes and pointed nose despite of his long hair in a messy man bun and his grey hoodie tattered in some areas. The shadow of stubbles are present on his philtrum and chin which accentuates the unique shape of his lips. But the cigarette on his right hand and a glass of whiskey on his left hand are turn-offs for me.

"No, it's fine. I'll just close the door. I'm sorry for my dog's behavior."

"Nah, I should be the one apologizing." He says as he dips his half-lit cigarette into his glass of whiskey. "What is his name?"

"Haute."

"Hmmm... Interesting." He slightly bows his head and apologizes to Haute then flashes his smile. Haute stops barking and jumps out of my hold to run inside my apartment. My coward dog retreated in fear of this man?

"I think your dog doesn't like me."

"He doesn't like a lot of people." I shrug.

"I see. I feel reassured." Then he laughs at his own sarcasm. "Anyway, sorry again to bother you. I'll note to check first if your door is open next time." Then he retreats inside his apartment.

I'm about to close the door when I heard him call, "Hey!"

I stick my head out to check if he's actually calling for me.

"Sorry, where's my manners?" He slam his palms onto his forehead. "I'm Jinwoo. What's your name?"

I blink twice before answering. "Seunghoon?"

"You're not sure?"

"No, it's just that... Why do you ask?"

"Uhm... because we're neighbors?"

"You're also not sure?" I retort back.

And he laughs. Out loud. And it sounds annoying. But contagious.

"Nice to meet you, Seunghoon." He pronounces my name like he just had candy instead of whiskey in his mouth. It sounds sweet. "Hope we can be good neighbors. Good night." Then he goes inside his apartment again.

I retreat as well and close the sliding door. Haute runs towards me so I pick him up again. "How dare you leave me there?" He just licks me on my chin as an apology.

****

There was no opportunity again to interact with my new neighbor. Maybe we're both just busy people. Not that I'm actually looking forward to it. It's not like I'm crushing on him. Nope. Smoking and drinking are major turn-offs for me because of personal reasons. I don't take it against him but I'd rather not to be involved with someone who does, especially both.

And yes, I'm gay. I confirmed it back in college when I started harboring a huge crush for my Law professor who was very charming and smart as fuck. I would study hard so I can recite frequently in his class to impress him. I didn't do anything with that feelings, though. Even after college, I couldn't bring myself to approach him romantically. 

I came out first to my sister after graduation. She wasn't surprised at all and said she had seen the signs. And she accepted me and wished me nothing but happiness. Then I came out to my best friends who, thankfully, didn't judge me. They were actually worried if I purposely hid it from them because I was scared. But really, it's just about the right timing and the long process of getting over my confusion.

Though they still ask me until now what's the point of coming out if I'm not dating or even flirting with anyone at all. Which I simply answer every time with, "I came out to free myself." Which is true. I don't want to pretend to be something I am not and I don’t want to be misunderstood.

I've lost my faith in love a long time ago. The first people who should have loved me and my sister unconditionally turned their backs on us. We came from a dysfunctional family.

Our mother was 10 years younger than our father and she wasn't able to enjoy her youth because she had me right after college and out of wedlock, though my father took responsibility. Our family was struggling and our parents would always have heated arguments, mostly started by our mother and about money. To appease mother, our father accepted a job assignment abroad that offered a higher salary. I was in 3rd grade when life was getting better… or so I thought. 

When our father could finally afford to hire nannies for me and my sister, our mother started living a life of a single woman again. She went to clubs to party all night. She would come home drunk and would wake either me or my sister for nonsensical things, like she would try to lecture me about my studies and to not fight with my sister which annoyed me a lot back then. When I was 15, she started bringing home different men and I hated them all. An incident with one of her men which earned me a black eye and a split lower lip traumatized me forever. My mother kept spending my father's hard-earned money on her long list of men which broke my heart and ruined my childhood.

So one day, when I couldn't remain silent anymore, I called my father and told him everything. 

"When are you coming home? You have to stop this madness."

I heard him sigh deeply from the other line. "Seunghoon, I'm sorry." And his next words ruined the rest of me. "Things between me and your mother have become complicated. I won't be going home anymore. I-- I'm in love with someone else now and we're expecting our first child soon. But I still love you and Jieun. Don't worry, I'll still provide for you. Nothing will change--"

I stopped listening to whatever he had to say. And I also stopped believing in love that night. I looked at our one and only family photo and called it a lie in my mind. And calling it a lie also meant my whole life was a lie. But I felt Jieun's hand tugged my sleeve and looked up at me with expectant eyes. My biggest heartbreak in my existence was when I broke the news to my innocent and clueless sister. It pained me so much that I was the first man in her life that made her cry so hard because I couldn't protect her from our reality.

And that was also when we drifted apart. We reacted to our situation differently. I focused on my studies, eager to get a scholarship in a university far from home. I wanted to get out and to cut ties with my parents the soonest possible. When I got the scholarship, I packed my bags and never returned to that house full of lies and illusion. I worked part-time to sustain my other needs. On the other hand, Jieun rebelled. She didn't take her studies seriously and stopped studying after high school. She ran away from home and I didn’t hear from her for two years.

She just showed up in front of my dorm one rainy day looking like she had aged a lot. I was a graduating student back then but I took her in and cared for her ever since. We didn't know how but we just so naturally returned to our old relationship like there were no years spent being apart. After begging her so many times to let me support her, she continued her studies in a community college where she met her now husband.

They are perfect for each other, everyone who has a pair of working eyes can see it. And whenever I see them together, I realize how big the missing piece in my life is just because I'm scared and I make myself believe that there’s no such thing as true love.

I guess Haute really took after me. We're both cowards.

I dismiss every hint of interest by potential suitors. I push away potential partners. I drowned myself into work. And at times that I feel lonely, I hike mountains or do road trips on my motorbike, searching desperately everywhere for someone who will get rid of my fears, who won't stop at just dropping hints, and who will persist even after being pushed away. I want someone who will heal me, who will kiss away my insecurities, and who will embrace my weary heart. But it seems impossible to find that person for me.

****

I have just stepped on the top landing of the stairs when I notice Jinwoo staring blankly at his apartment's doorknob. My unit is at the end of the hallway so I have to pass him by to reach it. He hears my footsteps and lifts his eyes to meet mine.

"Seunghoon," he croaks.

The way he spoke my name sent goosebumps all over my body which is weird. "Is there a problem?"

"I locked myself out."

"Oh."

"Yes. Oh." He confirms. "I just went out to buy my supplies," he shakes the plastic bag he is holding and I hear a few bottles, probably alcoholic beverages, rattle. "Then when I got back I realized I don't have my keys with me."

"How long have you been standing there?"

"I don't know. An hour maybe?"

"An hour? And you didn't think of doing anything?"

"Sorry, I was panicking internally that I couldn't think."

I'm a few inches taller than him so he has to slightly tilt his head backward to look into my eyes. Now that I can see him under the brighter white light of the hallway, I notice that the color of his irises are russet brown... and they look like they are about to cry.

I sigh. "Come in to my unit." I plan on calling the guard on duty to ask if they have a spare key. If none, we have to wait for the admin office to open tomorrow morning to ask. And if there is still none, we have to call a locksmith to replace his lock.

It was too late to ponder if it's going to be okay to let him sleep in my apartment tonight. I barely know him. What if he's a criminal and this is his modus? 

I steal a glance at Jinwoo and he still looks shaken from being locked out. He has a very kind-looking face and a timid stance, so maybe he's not a bad guy?

Oh well, I think I can defend myself properly, if ever. The muscles I take the time to hone in the gym isn't just for decoration.

We are welcomed by Haute when I open the door. But instead of excited barks, Haute is barking like he himself is panicking, too. He is restless and keeps a safe distance away from Jinwoo. Does Haute sense something bad in Jinwoo that I can't because I'm too blinded by his good looks?

"Your dog doesn't really like me. It's making me sadder." Jinwoo pouts.

"Come in. Don't worry, Haute hasn't bitten anyone that he doesn't like."

"Wow, I feel so reassured. Maybe I'll be the first one. Pardon my intrusion, Haute."

"Haute, go to your tent and wait there."

Haute barks like he's talking back at me.

"Haute, I didn't raise you like that."

He barks some more. 

"Uhm..." To my surprise, Jinwoo does the Vulcan salutation, hand raised with the palm forward and the thumb extended, while the fingers are parted between the middle and ring finger. "I come in peace, Haute."

And Haute whimpers like a wounded animal as he retreats back into my room and hides himself in his tent.

"You raised a hand to my dog." I complained.

"It was meant to declare a truce!" Jinwoo whines.

"He freaked out."

"I didn't mean it!"

A moment of silence and we both sigh at the same time. I chuckle a little at our absurdity.

"Wow! You can actually laugh. Maybe it's not so bad to be locked out after all."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing." He sighs dramatically.

Which earns him a raised eyebrow from me. "Alright. Feel free to take a seat anywhere you like while I call--"

I haven't finished yet my sentence when Jinwoo walks purposely towards the veranda to open the door and goes out. I follow him as I dial the number to the guard's station. But when I go out to the veranda, I almost have a heart attack as I witness Jinwoo jumps from my veranda to his and he lands lightly to his feet.

"You're a genius, Seunghoon! I remember I always leave this door unlock." He smiles triumphantly as if he didn't just cause me a major panic attack with his action.

"Are you crazy?!" I screamed.

He looks taken aback by my hysteria. "Why are you shouting? Isn't this your idea?"

"It's not! I'm going to ask for the spare key, you idiot! Why did you jump? What if you fell?"

"I didn't though."

"What if?!"

"Relax. I'm fine. Besides, our verandas are close enough. I wouldn't jump if I wasn't sure I could make it, you know. I'm not that idiotic fool." Then he opens the sliding door and goes inside his unit.

The tone of his voice when he said he isn't an idiot brings me back to my senses. I must have offended him. So I focus on my breathing to calm myself down. But even before I can completely calm down, I hear my doorbell rings.

I head to the door and open it. To my surprise again, Jinwoo is standing on the other side smiling sheepishly.

"I left my bags of supplies inside your apartment." 

I open the door wider for him and he quickly enters to grab his supplies. But before he exits he asks a strange question. "What if I didn't jump and there was no spare key? What would you have done?"

"But you jumped anyway. There's no point for that question."

"Hypothetically. What if?" He looks hopeful.

"I'll lend you some cash so you can check in yourself to a nearby hotel." I don't know why I lied. "But don't do that again." I add.

"Were you really worried about me?" He blinks his eyes rapidly as his lips spread into a smile.

"I didn't want to be accused of pushing you to your death, you know."

His smile turned into a pout as disappointment registers on his face.

"Don't leave your keys again." I say dismissively. "It's troublesome."

He backs away to exit my unit looking forlorn.

"And I won't be home the next few days to provide you a veranda to jump on." I add before the door shuts.

But then his hand stops it from closing and opens it again a little bit to peek inside. "Are you going to a vacation?"

"I... uh... I'll stay over to my sister's house to celebrate Christmas with her family."

"Aww! That's so nice. Well then, see you after Christmas."

I thought the door will finally shut close but Jinwoo peeks again one last time. "Are you here on New Year's eve?"

"I have no plans yet."

"Okay. Leave it open."

****

Our mother died five years ago. The funeral was quiet, only a handful of people attended. Our mother was an only child and her parents died in a car accident even before I was conceived, so only a few close relatives were there. I realized then that I don't want to end up like my mother, alone in her last breath and only a few people would remember her in the years to come.

Both my sister and I didn't shed a tear. We were still resentful until her last day as we received no apology. But we decided to forgive her anyway as we buried her into her grave. There was no use in hating a dead person. It was also our way to set ourselves free from all the bad things that happened in the past.

When Jieun got married, she and her husband decided to go back to our hometown and reside in our family house. It was in the countryside but they were both competent teachers so they easily got jobs in the local schools.

I drive my car to our hometown and I'm welcomed by my nephew bouncing at the ball of his feet with excitement as he sees the big gifts I got for him. But Jieun, the very epitome of mother hen, scolds me to not spoil her son. The next days are spent doting my nephew, meeting up with old friends, and attending reunion parties.

Most of my former classmates looked surprise that I attended this year's reunion. I used to decline the invitation because my proud self didn't feel like I have a face to show. I was just a mere corporate slave, that's what I used to think. But little by little, I start to feel better about myself after receiving counselling.

On Christmas Eve, we wait until it is midnight just so my nephew can open his many gifts which delighted him to the roof. I have the urge to greet a certain long-haired man but I remember I don't have his number. He never asked for mine, so I didn't have a reason to ask for his.

On the day of my return to the city, it is hard to part from my nephew as he clings to me like a koala. It's saddening to see him cry as he bids me goodbye through my rear view mirror but I promised to see him again on my birthday.

I get back to the city just in time for my college reunion. It's a busy and bustling night which rapidly wears me out. Some of my closest friends and I decide to spend the night in a big hotel room just so we can simply fall asleep when we get tired of talking. And we only part the next day, after having late brunch.

I am walking in the hallway towards my apartment when I noticed that the door to Jinwoo's unit is slightly ajar. My eyes travel down to the floor and see the tip of a shoe blocking the door from closing. 

If he isn't locked out, he forgets to lock his door. What is wrong with him?

I get curious so I open it wider only to see Jinwoo passed out in front of the door. The whole situation alarms me and my mind is already racing, thinking about possible scenario why he is lying there unconscious. Was it a burglar? Or is he sick? Was he too drunk to reach his bed?

I enter his apartment to crouch down beside him and look at his face. He is snoring quietly and there are dark circles under his eyes. His stubbles are longer than before and he looks like he hadn't taken a shower for days. I poke his cheek, surprisingly soft and pore less. But he just swats my hand away. His other hand travels down to his belly and under his shirt to scratch, making the hem of his shirt rides up to reveal his belly button. Then I hear it, the sound of his hunger. 

What exactly has this man been up to in the last seven days? 

All of a sudden, he sits up then rub his hands onto his eyes as he mumbles, "I'm hungry."

I take that chance to clear my throat and announce my presence. 

He turns his head towards me and his face literally lights up. "Seunghoon! You're back!"

"Jinwoo, what are you doing? Why are you sleeping here instead on your bed? Did you know that your door isn't locked? What if a burglar or a rapist got in?" 

"But it's you who got in instead. I think our apartment complex is pretty safe." He smiles toothedly, revealing the deep dimple on his left cheek. I wonder how he can manage to look stunning when he just woke up.

I stand up to leave but he grabs my hand. "Welcome back!"

"Yeah, yeah." I dismiss him and the butterfly in my stomach. "Merry Christmas."

I pull my hands but he keeps his hold. "Do you have food? I'm starving big time that I think I can eat you."

"Eat me?" I repeat with arched eyebrow and questioning look.

I witness how realization slowly dawn on him and watch his face quickly turns into a dark shade of red. "I DON'T MEAN IT THE SEXUAL WAY! I MEAN IT LIKE IF I'M A ZOMBIE AND VERY HUNGRY I CAN FINISH EATING YOU WHOLE LIKE THAT. DON'T MISTAKEN ME. AAAAHHHH!!!!" He scrambles to his feet to runaway due to his embarrassment.

But before he can rush to hide himself to his bedroom, I swiftly grab a portion of his shirt to stop him. I chuckle. "Ok, I get it. Go take a shower and come to my unit afterwards. I'll cook something quick for you."

"Do it again." He whispers. I'm confused so I just tug at the part of his loose shirt that I'm holding. "Not that. Laugh. But this time longer and louder."

I release my hold on his shirt and clear my throat. "How can I even laugh if nothing is funny anymore? Weirdo. J--just do as I say. I'll head to my unit now." And I turn to leave.

****

I'm the type who looks at the visual first. I mean, I'm not really handsome myself but I'm aware I'm decent and charming so I think I like someone who is at least the same as me. But Jinwoo... Jinwoo, Jinwoo, Jinwoo. He's more than decent and he's overflowing with charisma. And maybe that's why I can't keep my eyes off him. Despite my logical and calculative nature, I know how to appreciate an art when I see it. And Jinwoo is a masterpiece. A neglected masterpiece.

He has innate good looks and clear skin but he gives the bare minimum effort to take care of it. He also doesn't dress well. That is proven by his tattered grey hoodie, of his loose (almost double his size) shirts and baggy pants that aren't stylish at all. Just like the ones he is wearing when he comes into my place. Well, at least, his clothes look branded. 

And yes, I'm the judging type.

"Wow! You placed 4th in the licensure exam?" He muses aloud as he looks through the certificates and trophy I displayed in the corner of the living room. "You're really something. Almost intimidating."

"No big deal." I say absentmindedly. My usual response to people's praises is to downplay it. For me, it's to show my humility but most people take it as my arrogance. And it is too late for me to realize my words and take it back.

"No biggie? You make me feel like I'm the tiniest useless microorganism." He says incredulously.

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I know. I'm just kidding." He chuckles in his deep voice. "Yay! Food is ready!" He exclaims as he sees me set down on the dining table the dishes I cooked. He scrambles to take a seat and quickly shovels two spoonful of rice into his mouth. "Oh good lord, you even cook so well."

"It's just egg fried rice." I deadpan.

"I can't even cook plain rice, for your info." Then he slurps the kimchi stew and he squeals in satisfaction. "Foodgasm!"

He chews his food loudly that it irks me. But at the same time, he looks very pleased at the food I cooked that he eat it so well. I'm not yet hungry but seeing him eat renews my appetite so I also start taking bites.

While chewing a mouthful of food, he asks, "Is there anything you can't do?"

I nod my head. "I can't jump over the veranda spontaneously. I also can't last a day without getting a shower. I can't sleep in the hallway like a rock. I can't---"

"Okay, okay. I get it." Jinwoo cuts me off. "You can't be me. Understandable. But you wouldn't want to be me."

"Yes, precisely. I think being you will drive me crazy."

"You know, you're humor is very mean and sarcastic."

"I hear that a lot." I shrug.

"And you never bother to change that?"

"What for? I won't be me without my mean humor."

"Fair enough. You do you." Then he remains quiet until he is full, but not really quiet as his chewing is so loud. 

"My stomach feels like it just had its last supper." I roll my eyes. He didn't even try to slow down and he finished 70% of the food. Of course, he'll feel bloated.

"You haven't explained yet why you were sleeping the way you were earlier."

"Oh, I pull an all-nighter for three days to meet a deadline. When I was finally done, I was planning to restock my groceries but I was too sleepy and passed out on my way out."

"Seriously?"

"At the very least, that's what I remember."

I shake my head in disbelief. This is my first time to meet such a clumsy grown-up. But his answer feeds the fire of curiosity in me. "What do you do for a living?"

"Is this the potential boyfriend interview? Because I didn't come prepared."

"No." I deny. It isn't really. I'm just curious. "It's the getting-to-know my neighbor interview. And how did you even know I'm gay?"

"I just had a feeling. And you didn't even try to straighten out any misunderstanding from our last conversation. And pun intended, by the way."

I roll my eyes at him.

"Oh god, that looks annoying!"

"Shut it and just answer my prior, original question."

"Damn, I don't like a nagger boyfriend."

"I am not applying as your boyfriend!" I retaliated.

"That's a shame. So can I instead?"

"Can you what?"

"Apply for the position."

"You're hopeless.

"And you're such a tsundere! It's a turn off but a challenge at the same time."

I raise both my hands in surrender. He's annoying and very talkative. But his deep voice makes him sound pleasing. I think something is seriously wrong with me. Maybe I should consult my counsellor.

"I'm a freelancer."

A freelancer? He doesn't even have a stable job. But, at least, he's not entirely unemployed.

What am I thinking? Clearly, he has not crossed out any item on my list of standards. He is the complete opposite of what I want. He drinks, he smokes, he's impulsive and clumsy, he's not tidy, he doesn't dress well and he doesn't have a stable job. There's no sense of security in him. But why? Why am I looking for positive things about him to compromise? Why am I still sitting here, across from him, with fluttering heartbeats and butterflies in my stomach?

Is it really just his handsome face? The lilt in his voice when he speaks my name? His unpredictability? His humor? All these trivial things?

Oh my god! Do I have a crush on him?

"I develop apps and sell them to whoever is willing to pay. I also do system programming jobs and security system consultation. On the sideline, I do drone videography and I sometimes ghost writes theses. Happy now?"

"You do a lot of things." It's a response that supposed to be praising him for being skillful in so many areas, but may have crossed to him as an undermining statement.

He sighs. "I'm a shut in, or something like that. I wasn't bullied or anything. I don't have a traumatic experience per se. It's just that I reached the point in my life that I realized how much people had repeatedly took advantage of my kindness and I finally got tired of it, so I withdrew."

"Maybe you're too simple-minded and gullible."

"Let's just say I'm kind, okay? Will it hurt you to not be an asshole just for a sec?"

I just shrug which earns another sigh from him. It's weird how we get into each other's nerves but no one seems willing to stop whatever it is that hangs in the air between us.

"Where's Haute?" He asks to break the silence.

"In my bedroom, inside his tent. Why?"

"He needs to get used to me."

"No, please. Don't torture my dog. He's mentally ill."

"He is?"

"Yes, I adopted him without knowing that. But still, he's a good kid. It will take time for him to warm up to you but let him do it in his own pace."

"It's amusing how you're more thoughtful of a dog's feelings than of human beings’."

To that I don't have anything to retaliate. Haute is very precious to me because he gave me a sense of purpose when I was lost in loneliness and drowning in anxiety. And he is always there to lick my tears away.

Jinwoo gets up and starts gathering the dirty dishes.

"It's fine. You can leave that. I'll do it myself."

"Let me pay you back for the delicious meal you shared with me."

"Do you even wash your dirty dishes at your home?"

"Sort of. When I need to use it."

He even lacks initiative. I sigh. "Do me a favor and do the dirty dishes in your own kitchen, do your laundry, clean and tidy up your apartment. Make your apartment look like an apartment again and not a pig pen."

"Okay." He quickly agrees without talking back like I didn't just insult his messy apartment. Well, I doubt he will really do all of those things once he gets back to his unit. "Can I ask for a favor, too?"

"Hmmm?"

"Let's watch the New Year's Eve fireworks together."

****

Because it's Jinwoo that I will go out with-- no, it isn't a date, we're just spending New Year's eve together as neighbors-- I decided to just throw a brown shearling jacket, the one that offers the most warmth in this chilling weather, over a baby blue t-shirt. I don't want to look overdressed next to him. I don't want to look like I'm trying because I'm honestly not. I didn't even spend more than 30 seconds in choosing my outfit for tonight. I kept my accessories in bare minimum and styled my hair just as usual.

We agreed to eat out for dinner then head to the place designated for viewing of the New Year's Eve fireworks display. That’s all. I haven't seen him in two days, he said he is cramming another security system programming job he got from a friend's referral so he is pressured to do a flawless job. And I'm not even sure if he can still track time and remember this appointment. And even if he can make it tonight, I'm not 100% sure he will not pass out cold while waiting for the fireworks.

How unreliable.

But I dressed up anyway. If it turns out he can't make it tonight, I can still continue with the plan all alone. I have no other things to do tonight.

The doorbell rings and I assume it is Jinwoo. I bid goodbye to Haute. As much as I want to bring him with me, Haute is easily scared by loud noises. I'm afraid he will have a panic attack once the fireworks display starts. So I tuck him in his tent and leave treats for him to eat.

I grab my cross-body bag and head out. I open the door and confirm that Jinwoo is really full of surprises. I am forced to pause so I can look at him from head to toe.

First of all, his hair is trimmed neatly and I have to say I will miss his man bun. His jet black hair is now dyed dark brown and-- for the love of God! -- It looks styled in the salon. Second, he is now clean-shaven and it makes his handsome face more immaculate. Lastly, the outfit. He is wearing an orange wool turtleneck under a black cardigan, ripped jeans and a pair of Vans sneakers. Not everyone can pull off a screaming orange outfit but he carries it perfectly like he is really meant to stand out. But I also fear its lack of warmth to offer.

"Liking what you see?"

I raise my hand to cover my eyes then shake my head in disapproval. "Do you really have to style your hair in the salon?"

"I failed the initial interview, so I thought I should make an effort this time."

I exit my apartment and lock the door. "We're not going out on a date."

"Dream wrecker." He mutters sideways. I know he knows I still heard it. "I'm still hopeful you'll change your mind once you see how ethereal I look if I try."

"Visual isn't everything." I say and start walking.

Jinwoo follows. "Says someone who is very much meticulous about his own appearance."

"I do it for my own satisfaction, not for people's attention." I say as we descend the stairs.

"But isn't impressing someone leads to validation which feeds our satisfaction about ourselves?"

That raises my eyebrow. He makes sense but I won't tell him that. "Your point is?"

"We're not different. I'm also doing this for my own satisfaction, which I get when you give me your attention."

"For a gay, you're quite straightforward. Pun intended." I respond.

He just smiles widely, accompanied by his charming eye smile, as a response. And no, I won't fall for that.

****

We had hot and best tasting ramen for dinner. Jinwoo dragged me to an expensive-looking Japanese restaurant. There's a reservation booked under his name and I'm uncomfortable at what this implied, that he was prepared for this like he actually thought of this as a date. He asked trivial questions which I nonchalantly answered. Once our foods were served, he stopped talking and started slurping noisily.

After dinner, we still have a lot of time before the fireworks so he drags me again into a hidden, quiet, and laidback bar nearby. Unlike the other bars in the area, this one isn't as packed and looks more intimate. Jinwoo seems like a patron. When we take our seats in the bar counter, the bartender asks him, "The usual?"

I don't know what 'his usual' order is, but he refuses and asks for a beer instead. They turn to me to ask what I will drink. I am about to order a cola but I just thought since it's going to be New Year soon, maybe I'll allow myself to be festive. So I ask if they serve white wine.

Jinwoo looks amused at my choice. "Chic," he says under his breath and I badly want to get rid of that Cheshire cat smile on his face. He raises his beer mug towards me and exclaims, "Cheers!" Then he takes a gulp.

I take a photo of the glass of white wine in front of me, though I'm still debating whether to post it as an IG story or not. I take my eyes off my phone just right in time to see Jinwoo playing with the collar of his turtleneck, extending it over his chin, while he watches the news about New Year's Eve fireworks in Sydney on the tv screen above the rack of beverages.

He looks picture perfect that I can't stop myself from taking one. I don't know what to do to the photo. I don't know if I should show it to him. What if he tease me? What if he misinterpret me? So I just close the camera app and place my phone inside my bag. I will take this secret with me into my grave.

We head to the fireworks viewing area after we finish both our glasses, I actually couldn't finish mine so Jinwoo downed the remaining half in one go. There are a lot of people and I let myself be dragged by Jinwoo again to weave through the crowd and find an ideal spot. At this point, I start to question myself why I let him drag me to wherever when I'm used at being the one taking the lead. How can I trust his choices like for once I don't want to think for myself and let him do it for me? 

We really don't have to be upfront since we're both tall, we just need a space that has no hindrance in our view of the sky. But Jinwoo persists until he is satisfied.

Considering that the countdown starts and everyone around us is counting, I lean closer to his left ear to ask, "Do you like fireworks that much?"

"Yeah." He answers without looking at me. Then in a breathless almost whisper, he adds, "But I like you more."

I'm not sure if I heard him right but I can't continue the conversation anymore as the crowd around us erupts into cheers of "Happy New Year!" And the fireworks display starts. I look up to see the silver lights of fireworks explode to light up the sky. It reminds me of how Jinwoo's face would light up when he's happy. Bright and lively.

It continues and changes color. It looks marvelous even without hearing the musical accompaniment that is drowned by noise of the crowd.

Suddenly, I feel a warm hand sneaks into my palm and fingers fill the spaces in between my own together with hot breath near my right ear, "Happy New Year, Seunghoon."

I turn to look at Jinwoo who is smiling from ear to ear, his dimple showing. He isn't looking back, he is busy watching the fireworks display after he deliberately took my attention away from it. His eyes are busy marveling about the fireworks while I watch the colors of the fireworks reflect on his face. I can't see the difference between the red-colored fireworks and his blush. Is it from the coldness of the night or something else? His eyes glimmer like the fireworks itself are on it.

"The fireworks are up in the sky, Seunghoon."

I should be taking his hand off me. I should be drawing a line. I should be stopping this illusion from fooling me. I should be running away from his warmth before it engulfs me.

But I just return my gaze in the sky and let our fingers intertwine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's me again. I don't know who else will read this aside from me. hahahaha! Anyway, I wrote this as a birthday present to myself. Teehee~
> 
> If you want to end the story in a light and positive note, you can stop reading until this chapter. But if you're curious why there's an "Angst" tag, you'll find out on the next chapter. You've been warned. lol


	2. Cold Feet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their love ended that same winter.

****

I don't flirt because I'm afraid I may catch feelings. I don't do neither one-night stand nor friends with benefits because I think I deserve more than that. And because I am always busy guarding myself from any situation that may leave me vulnerable. Just because I lost faith in love doesn't mean I dismiss the possibility of me falling in love. 

In fact, I'm scared that I'll lose all sense of reasoning once I fall deeply in love, that I'll become a stupid and blind martyr. That I will love the other person with so much more passion than they can reciprocate. And that in the end, it won't be enough, I won't be enough, and they will leave me to nurse another heartbreak on top of all the scars I received from my parents. 

There's no one but me to protect myself from the things that may hurt me, so I'm always cautious. I always question the other person's intention. I always question if I deserve them. I always question will my heart survive if this person decides to break me.

So I don't know why I'm reciprocating Jinwoo's kisses without even thinking about myself. All my inner conflicts are thrown out of the window. It's just me and Jinwoo, and our lips dancing together.

Maybe it's the wine. Or the glimmer in Jinwoo's eyes that is way more beautiful than the fireworks. Maybe it's the peak of my loneliness. Or the promise of something worthwhile from Jinwoo's lips.

Or maybe I'm just as horny as he is.

Soon, we're a tangle of limbs and hot breaths. I don't know where to place my hands exactly, every part of him is like hot iron against my skin. But I want him all. His silky hair. The smooth skin at the small of his back. The soft muscle of his belly. I just let my hand travel to wherever that will earn a soft moan from him. Trying to mimic where his hands land all over me.

I can't think straight. I can't even remember when our clothes leave our bodies. My heart is racing in nervousness and excitement. I think I'm about to go crazy when his lips leave mine to travel down my neck, shoulder, chest... and downward.

"Nice tattoo," he says. I feel like combusting seeing him between my legs. 

"Jinwoo." I force my voice out in between my ragged breathing.

"Yeah?"

"I- I don't... it's... this is-" I can't bring myself to confess without embarrassing myself.

He chuckles lowly and it sounds so arousing. He climbs over me once again, straddling my hips and taking my lips into his. "I know. Leave it to me."

"How... did you know?"

"You're very reluctant. Your touches and movements feel unsure." He says as he scrape his teeth on my Adam’s apple. Then he whispers with hint of amusement in his voice, "Do you even know if you prefer to top or bottom?"

I cover my eyes with my arms in mortification and shake my head. I haven't thought of it this far ahead. He must be thinking how useless as a sex partner I am.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm flexible." He murmurs on my jaw, his tone soft and reassuring. "Let me see your eyes. I like looking at them."

I take my arm off my eyes and see Jinwoo's eyes staring straight into mine. I wonder what he sees in me for him to look at me like I'm the only thing that matters. "Stop whatever you're thinking and focus on me."

I reach my hand to touch his cheeks. He closes his eyes and lean into my touch. "You're so warm." He breathes, rubbing his cheek against my fingers. Then he snaps his eyes open. "And hot." I groan because he chose that time to grind our bodies together. 

"Jinwoo." I gasp.

"Yes. Keep calling my name." And I let him lead me to nirvana.

****

My body clock is programmed to wake me up once I have 6 hours of sleep. I'm not the type to sleep in. This has been my setup ever since high school. 6 hours of sleep is enough to power up a day's worth of activities.

I wake up to soft hair tickling my neck and chin, warm breaths on my collarbone, and soft snores. I'm not sure if it's me or it's Jinwoo who likes cuddling after sex but there he is, pressed against me while in deep slumber. 

I stare blankly for a couple of minutes, not sure what to do. I don't know any morning after etiquette. I don't want to wake him up because I'm pretty sure he's really tired, but my body is dying to move. I can no longer feel my hand that is attached to the arm which he is using as his pillow. 

It's also a wonder why he chose to sleep on my arms instead of his very fluffy pillows. By the softness and fluffiness of his bed and pillows, I can imagine him spending an entire day just lying or rather attached to his bed. An absolute homebody.

I slowly and very carefully move so I can get up and as it turns out, Jinwoo is a heavy sleeper. I rise from the bed and collect my clothes. I leave him sleeping to prepare breakfast, er, brunch. I exit his room and note that his apartment looks unusually tidy, like he was prepared for my "sleepover". 

This is my first time seeing his workspace up-close which is situated in his living room. He has several monitors installed around his worktable. Two laptops, an iPad, a drawing tablet and a VR gear are placed haphazardly on top of the table. And a very flashy yet comfortable-looking swivel chair is tucked under it, together with, what I assume are, two CPUs and a drone. I bet he looks more like an illegal hacker slash gamer than a professional when he works there.

I head to his fridge to check if he has anything that I can cook. I notice some postcards from Sydney are wedged under ref magnets and signed with, “Love, Mom and Dad.” I open the door and why am I not surprised to see it empty except for a couple of soju? I sigh and decide to head back to my apartment instead. I leave a note on his table to come to my place for brunch.

I come home and open the door of my room so Haute can come out. He stays close to my feet as I cook. I feed him and give him additional treat for being a good boy. Once fed, he runs toward the toy he left in the living room and plays with it. 

Jinwoo hasn't come over yet even after I finish cooking so I decided to take a shower. Only when the hot water hits my body do I realize how strained my muscles feel. Makes me wonder how worse Jinwoo must feel.

I just got out of the shower when I hear the doorbell rings. I put a towel around my waist and head to the door right away to open it for Jinwoo.

His wet hair indicates that he is freshly-showered, too. He whistles and says, "Wow! Breakfast!" As he looks at me from head to toe.

I just shake my head and let him come in. I retreat to my room to get dressed. I come back to the living room with him holding Haute in both hands. He's cooing while Haute is looking at me like he is crying for help. 

"Jinwoo, you're scaring Haute."

"No, I don't. He hasn't barked at me since I arrive."

"He's too scared to even bark."

"Oh." Then he lets go of Haute. "Sorry."

We ate in silence. I don't know what to talk about. Are we supposed to talk about last night? Are we supposed to evaluate my performance so he can point out what I can improve? Is there some kind of a guide book about how to act when you fuck your neighbor? I wish there is because I badly need it now. The awkwardness is suffocating. 

"Are we cool?" Jinwoo finally asks.

"Yeah." We are, right? 

"Did you dislike it?"

"No." I had a great time.

"Great."

"Yeah." You're awesome.

"My ass likes you, too, by the way."

And that is how I choke while drinking coffee.

****

Life returns to normal after the holiday break. I go to work in the morning and stay there for as long as I am needed. Then come home to my apartment. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I hit the gym. On Wednesdays, I attend a counselling. Because it's snowing lately, I can't take Haute out for a walk even if I can still manage to squeeze in an hour in my busy schedule. So I just use that time to play with him. The only difference, there is Jinwoo every now and then.

I find our setup weird but I can't bring myself to define it. A part of me wants to draw a line; the rational, scared, and cautious side. But another part of me; the stubborn, greedy, and carefree side, just wants to bask on Jinwoo's warmth. It's embarrassing to admit but I act like a teenager in his peak puberty with raging hormones when it's just the two of us. And he never complained.

It's my birthday and Jieun decided to come to my apartment with my nephew in tow. Her husband has a seminar to attend nearby so he dropped them off in the morning and will join us later in the evening for the celebratory dinner. Despite my disapproval, Jieun insists on cooking lunch. I help her in the kitchen while my nephew plays with Haute. They are both energetic and Haute likes him a lot. 

I must have forgotten to lock the door when I let them in earlier because suddenly Jinwoo is running hysterically into my apartment. "SEUNGHOON! ABIGANDSCARYBUTTERFLYFLEWINSIDEMYAPARTMENT!"

All of us, including Haute, stop whatever we are doing to look at Jinwoo who looks like a madman who just woke up. There is a pause and I assume it's because my sister and her son are shocked to see a stranger barging into my apartment. Haute, on the other hand, takes that chance to run into my bedroom.

"Oh."

I shake my head and sigh. That seems to take Jieun's attention away from Jinwoo and turns to me, she looks puzzled and questioning. I take off the apron I am wearing, then walks towards Jinwoo. "I didn't understand whatever you were screaming, Jinwoo."

His face turns bright red in embarrassment. He clears his throat, "Uhm... there's a big uhm... butterfly."

"How big?" My nephew squeaks.

Jinwoo looks at him and gesture the size with his hand, "This big."

"Oooh! Scary!" He exclaims. "Is it going to eat you?"

"Uh... no, I don't think so."

"Then why are you scared?"

He sits in front of my nephew then explains, "Its wings have a pattern that looks like eyes staring at me. Big scary eyes!" Then he shudders. He looks like a kid communicating to his fellow same-age friend.

"Jinwoo, why are you sitting there? I thought you called so we can get rid of it?"

Jinwoo looks up to me from where he is sitting on the floor. "You get rid of it. I'm too horrified to see it again."

"It's your apartment." I counter.

"But Seunghoon!" He whines like a child, like his age is suddenly reduced into a toddler after his conversation with my nephew.

My nephew giggles. "You're funny."

"Really?" Jinwoo beams while I sigh.

I walk towards the door but look at Jieun first, "I'll just go next door to drive it away."

Jieun smiles widely, "Are you not going to introduce us first?"

"Uh... yeah." I hesitate. "Jinwoo, this is my sister, Jieun, and that's my nephew, Seungyoon. Jieun, Seungyoon, this is Jinwoo, my... neighbor."

I look at Jinwoo and he's already standing up to shake hands with my sister. He is smiling brightly. "Oh, so you're his sister. You look nothing like your brother. You're so beautiful. And you're son is very cute."

Jieun chuckles. I roll my eyes as I leave to go to Jinwoo's apartment. And why am I even surprised to see his door wide open? It is so Jinwoo to leave things in disarray. I enter his apartment and see the culprit resting on the wall above Jinwoo's workspace. Even the open windows, which contains codes and other things I don't understand, on the screens look messy. 

I'm not knowledgeable when it comes to butterfly but I know this size is rare to be seen in the city. I wonder how it managed to climb this floor. I use an old magazine to patiently and carefully drive the butterfly to the open door to the veranda. When it's finally outside, I close the doors and head back to my own unit.

When I return, Jinwoo is already playing with Seungyoon while he's having a cheerful conversation with Jieun. Haute is standing by the door of my room, looking forlorn because his playmate was stolen from him.

Jieun invited Jinwoo to have lunch with us, which Jinwoo shamelessly accepts. By the time we finish the meal, he acts like he's already close to my sister and nephew. I also notice how he subtly tried to bribe Haute into liking him with food which earned him a kick from me under the table.

Jinwoo bids goodbye to Jieun and Seungyoon after lunch, saying he still has some work to finish. I don't know what got into Jieun when she invites Jinwoo in tonight's dinner. But Jinwoo politely declines, saying it's a family thing that he should not barge into. 

"You didn't mention that today is your birthday." Jinwoo whispers to me when I escort him to the door.

"You never asked." I simply shrug.

"Ah... yeah."

****

Jinwoo is probably busy with his work that he didn't come over or invite me to his place the past week. I'm actually worried if he is still eating or sleeping considering his work habits. But well, there's still light coming out to his veranda at night so that must mean he is still alive.

The next weekend, he is back in barging into my apartment and whining that he doesn't understand why his recent client is so demanding. He practically beg me to feed him. I have to cancel my plans, which is playing futsal with some friends, because he says he wants to watch Netflix and chill. I wasn't informed that by that he meant, he wants to fuck with The Haunting of Hill House as our background noise. He even has the audacity to tell Haute to close his eyes because it's not for kids. 

But something feels different somehow. I don't know if it's just the stress from his work, but Jinwoo becomes needy and unforgiving with his movements. Like he wants us to just consume each other. Then, when the act is done, he cuddles into me, circling my arms around him, as if he's an innocent and fragile angel that needs protecting. And buries his face into my collarbone until he falls asleep.

We are grocery shopping the next day when my sister calls me via facetime, but it's Seungyoon who is on the other line. He's inviting me to his 4th birthday party and when he sees Jinwoo, he is excited to invite him as well. I tell Jinwoo he doesn't have to go if he's busy with work.

But he woke up early anyway on the day of Seungyoon's birthday party. I'm about to drive away when he knocks on the window of my car. He's still breathless, probably from running, when he sits on the passenger seat. But he doesn't miss a beat to greet Haute who is caged in the backseat.

"You could have told me that you're going. I could have waited for you."

"I wasn't sure I could finish my last project this morning."

"Don't tell me you haven't slept a wink?"

He smiles sheepishly as confirmation.

"I told you, you didn't have to force yourself. I can explain it to Seungyoon."

"Nah, I want to see him, too. And I already have a gift for him."

I offer him my spare jacket lying in the back seat. "Recline your seat so you can sleep."

"Are you sure? You won't be lonely while driving?" He teases.

"Just sleep. It's a children's party, for god's sake, you can't come looking like a zombie. You'll scare the kids." And as if in agreement, Haute whimpers.

It is only a three-hour drive, but I stop at a rest stop so Jinwoo can sleep longer. I just have a hunch that once he sees Seungyoon, the ever-energetic boy, he'll have no time to rest. Seungyoon has a tendency to be fixated on a single person for a day. He'll follow around that person until he runs out of battery. That person is usually me but he found a replacement and that is Jinwoo.

And Seungyoon proves to be predictable. As soon as he latched his chubby hand on Jinwoo's hand, they become inseparable. He introduces Jinwoo to his playmates in the daycare as his uncle prince. He even tries to convince Haute to play with Jinwoo. And Jinwoo has an amused and pleased smile on his face for the effort of the boy. 

Jinwoo hasn't given me attention ever since we arrived. He plays with the children all the time. Occasionally conversing with my sister and her husband. And charming the rest of the guests with how good he can juggle a soccer ball for a long time without using his hands. He easily stands out with his perfect handsome face, stature, and demeanor. Everyone seems to like his approachable personality, which is really just his always smiling face, and his spontaneous funny remarks. It all makes up for his poor fashion sense and clumsiness. 

It's obvious that all the adults are curious about the new pretty face in town. They look at me as if asking for explanation and I simply tell them he's a friend. It's hard to explain to them that we're, er, fuck buddies, I guess? I'm also not sure if Jieun will approve it.

Jinwoo and I haven't talk about this thing between us. I don't know where we stand. And honestly, I'm scared to find out. It's like it's better for the harmony of our relationship and for our peace of mind to not define it at all. I sleep comfortably next to him after sex knowing there's no feelings I have to worry about.

After the party, Jieun tries to convince us to stay for the night, which I decline saying I have things and chores to do at home. When truly, I just want to do Jinwoo. I thought I should have gotten over all my pent up sexual cravings from all these years of celibacy if we do it this often. But no, Jinwoo just makes me crave for more... and more than that. He isn't just an oasis. He is an ocean, vast and full of wonders. However, no matter how marvelous, unchanging and calm Jinwoo is, I feel so reluctant to sink deeper into him, fearing the pressure and probability of suffocation and drowning. So I settle myself in the shallow and keep my head above water.

As soon as we're in the confine of his apartment, I attack him with open-mouthed desperate kisses which he accepts and reciprocates so well. "You're such a show off. Did you enjoy their attention?"

"Is this you being possessive?"

I chuckles into his ear, to which he responds with a moan. "Do I sound like one?"

"Hmmm... mmm. And I like it."

"I know something you will like more." And I kneel.

"Yes, all yours." He murmurs incoherently.

****

It's the wedding day of one of my two best friends. And her ever-hopelessly romantic ass really scheduled it on Valentine's Day. It's not like I have any plans anyway. I literally have no lover to celebrate Valentine's Day with. 

Jinwoo? No. We didn't even talk about Valentine's Day... at all. I guess he isn't the type to link romantic feelings into his sexual affairs. Though I've considered giving him something, I worried it's going overboard. I'm not sure how it will come across to him and I don't want to ruin the harmony that we have established so far with a stupid move that will complicate things between us.

My best friend asked me to be her man of honor. Her wedding's motifs are blue and black and the three-piece suit she wanted me to wear is navy blue. Also upon her request, I wear black dress shirt and black tie underneath. The venue is looking more like a gothic-themed party rather than a wedding. She's weird like that and that's why we're best friends since college.

Three years ago, she was supposed to meet someone that was arranged by her parents on Valentine's Day. She's supposed to have an arranged marriage that year, rich people problems. But the guy couldn't show up and sent a different man to replace him that day. That replacement is her groom today. He was very good to her and he put so much effort so that she wouldn't feel bad about herself when her arranged partner couldn't come. 

They aren't the ideal pair, there's so much they don't have in common, but they compromise with each other so well. Seeing her tear up as she walks down the aisle is her first time crying because of her groom. And it turns out that her groom is a huge crybaby as he is weeping full blown while watching her.

Moments like this never fail to cause a pang on my chest. I envy such happiness. I envy their trust on their love and on each other. Sure, I'm happy that my best friend found her true love. But I also envy her for the same reason.

A sweet, quiet, and angelic voice is singing in the background. It kicks me out of my depressing train of thoughts and it sets the right mood for this solemn yet joyful union. 

~I think I want you more than want  
And no I need you more than need  
I want to hold you more than hold  
When you stood in front of me~

I'm not familiar with the song but the voice seems familiar to me. I just don't know where and when I've heard it. Subtly, I look around to trace where the unique yet beautiful voice is coming from. And there he is, singing with his eyes closed.

~I think you know me more than know  
And you see me more than see  
I could die now more than die  
Every time you look at me~

Jinwoo is in a black two-piece suit over a white dress shirt with the top two buttons open. There's a silver choker on his neck and he looks so ethereal with his styled brown hair.

~I'm blessed as a man to have seen you in white  
But I've never seen anything quite like you tonight  
No, I've never seen anything quite like you~

Against my will, my breath is taken away from me. Again.

After the ceremony, I search for Jinwoo in the crowded venue with my eyes. It's not so hard to spot him sitting on one of the tables for the groom's kin because it's like there's a spotlight just for him. He's practically radiating. He stands to walk towards the buffet table and more than a handful pair of eyes follow him, including mine. I excuse myself from the conversation on my table and approach Jinwoo. Even before anyone else does. I find him deciding which flavor of macaron to eat.

"You didn't mention that you're also a wedding singer."

He just smiles brightly, his dimpled smile, at me like he is already expecting me to come to him. "I'm not. It's just one time. Only for them."

I was ready to praise him. To compliment his singing. But I can't. For some reasons that I don't know of, I got tongue-tied. I'm conscious of eyes on us. And I get scared that they, including Jinwoo, will see right through me.

He pops into my mouth the last bite of his macaron. Matcha. I'm not really fond of it so I make a disgusted face. He just laughs.

"Aren't they so inconsiderate to wed on Valentine's Day? I'm pretty sure all those people have plans for today." Jinwoo adds as if complaining.

"Well, I guess they can excuse themselves if they have plans." I shrug. "People like me who have no plans will stay."

"Let's go, then." Jinwoo sets his glass of champagne down on the table.

"What?" I'm perplexed and Jinwoo's playful smile isn't helping. "I have plans and you're coming with me."

The ever-so-spontaneous Jinwoo. I can never catch on what's going through his mind.

I shake my head. "No, I can't."

"Pretty please?" He bats his eyelashes at me, tempting me. "I can go and ask them to excuse you."

"Jinwoo," I say in a stern voice. "My best friend is only getting married once, I can't leave her when she chose me as her man of honor. That's equal to betrayal in our friendship."

A line. I feel like I just draw an invisible line between us.

Jinwoo pouts, then turn to leave. It's a first and I'm taken aback. He isn't the type to throw tantrums when he didn't get his way on things. Or maybe he always get his way on me that's why I haven't seen him like this before.

He didn't return to his seat. All throughout the reception program, I am distracted trying to locate him. Until I spot him standing in one corner. He's drinking glass after glass of champagne as if it's just water quenching his thirst.

After dancing with the bride and assuring her that she made the right choice and it's going to be a very happy future for her, I approach Jinwoo again and just stand beside him with my hands on my pockets.

"You're not going to get drunk on that."

"Yeah, I figure."

"Are you still sulking?"

"I'm not sulking. I'm thinking. And as you already know, I'm not good at it." He drinks his champagne in one shot.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm debating with myself whether to ask you to dance or not." It sounds like it's just an excuse. There's something he is avoiding to say. He turns to look at me. "Fancy a dance?"

"No way." I am quick to reject. It will be weird amidst all these tux and cocktail dresses.

"Okay. I thought so, too." He laughs, a little shaky.

****

"I love you."

I freeze. My whole body does, including my brain. My lips are only a breath away from his but I stop.

I heard him loud and clear. I saw his mouth move as he spoke the words. He had my right hand pressed on his left chest, he's holding it tight, and I felt his body vibrated when he uttered it. His heartbeat is going crazy under my touch. I'm not imagining or hallucinating. I'm not just hearing things. He really just said those three words.

But it felt like I heard it from miles away and underwater. And suddenly, I hear a crashing sound in my mind as if rapid and high-pressured water is being pumped into an enclosed space. I can't breathe. I can't see. I can't think. I'm frozen into ice by all of that things that I fear, which includes this moment and that four-letter word.

My body is dying to flinch. To move away. My subconscious is screaming ‘Danger!’ and all the nerves in my body are preparing to run away. But I stay there close to him, frozen in place. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

And in the dark haze of my mind, a trickle of tear shines. I'm brought back into my senses by Jinwoo's tear. Ah, I made him cry. 

"Seunghoon, please, say something." He whispers in a silent shaky voice. He closes his hand that rests on my chest into a fist. "I said, I love you."

There's a pang in my chest. This should be easy, like in the movies. I should just say it back so we can continue where we left off. Then maybe, just maybe, we will have our happy ending here. But my tongue remains tied. I'm confused and unsure. I can't bring myself to give him a half-hearted answer. I also can't bring myself to commit to something so uncertain.

Is this love? It's only been two months and we barely know each other yet. I don't even know his favorite color or song. I just learned today he sings so well. I don't know his family background or aspirations. We couldn't even talk about our lives outside this bubble we created because we just always end up stumbling on bed. How can he say those three words like it's not a big deal?

Is it because of sex? Is it because I give it to him so easily? Does he think I'm worth keeping just because I can please him perfectly the way he wants? Is he saying those words to tie me to him? No. Jinwoo isn't that kind of person. He is too tender and warm to be that cruel and toxic. He is a saint as compared to me.

But is he for real? Is he being truly genuine about his confession? I'm aware he has been the one pursuing me from the start. He has been straightforward that he likes me. But is it enough for him to love me? What have I ever done to him for him to fall for me? Maybe he is just in love with his idea of me. Of a Seunghoon he created from fragments that I allow him to see. Not the Seunghoon who is jealous of all people who has a perfect family and had it easy in life. Not the Seunghoon who is full of insecurities about himself and his worth. Not the Seunghoon who is currently having a mental breakdown at the weight of his confession.

Do I love him? I want him. God knows I want him all to myself. But it's my selfishness talking and claiming. I don't want to be alone anymore. I like waking up in the morning with his warmth close to mine. I like it when he is hovering around when I need him to be and when he gives me space to be on my own. I like him invading my privacy and taking control over me. And I like fucking him.

But all this time that I spent with him, I was only thinking of myself. I never once thought of how I can make him happy or how I can love him back. I didn't even treat him differently from anyone I know which can set him apart as special from the others. I kept testing him for my own benefit, for my own security, without thinking about Jinwoo or minding his feelings at all. In the end, I am the monster. I am the cruel and the toxic one. And Jinwoo doesn't deserve someone like me. It will be unfair to him.

"I'm sorry." I look into his eyes but his remains closed as more tears trickle down his cheek.

"No, don't apologize. That's not I want to hear." He sobs. "Say it back, please. Just say you love me. You know you do. I can feel it."

My arms fall on either side of me, "I'm sorry."

He pushes me away with all his might which causes me to stumble backwards. Then, he slowly sits down. He cries, hard and loud. It's painful to hear and it also tears me apart.

It is dark inside his apartment. Only the light of the full moon from outside illuminates the room. Just a few minutes ago, the night was perfect and he looks breathtakingly beautiful. He was everything I see and everything that matters. But I ruined everything. I ruined him. I ruined the very person who said he loves me.

He doesn't deserve an asshole who is just watching him cry instead of comforting and assuring him. No. He doesn't deserve a bastard who makes him cry at all. And knowing myself, if I stay, I'll surely fuck up one way or another and I will only make him cry every time.

He brushes his tears away harshly as he looks up to me. "Then what is all of this for? Why did I have to try so hard?"

I can't answer. I don't know the answer. No, of course I know the answer. I just don't want to admit it. I don't want it to come from me.

"If you never had any intention of loving me, Seunghoon, you could've drawn a line." He cries out. "You could've made it clear from the start that it's just sex between us."

You confused me. 

"You shouldn't have led me on."

You made me hopeful.

"You're well aware that I'm vulnerable. Why did you have to take advantage of me like everybody else?"

"I'm sorry," if in the end, I'm just too much of a coward.

"Goddamn it!" He lashes. "Stop saying sorry like I'm a mistake! You're making me feel like I'm the lowest of all crap!" He covers his face with his hands.

It pricks my heart to see his always smiling face is twisted in agony right now. I want to reach out. I want to wipe away his tears. But I have no right. It's only proper that he is mad at me. 

I want to explain, but I don't know what and how to explain when there's a huge lump on my throat. I feel like if I open my mouth to say something, it will only makes things messier for the both of us.

"You know what's worse?" He sniffles. "I'm so ashamed of myself because my whole being is still screaming I love you in spite of your cruelty. God! I'm so stupid!"

"Jinwoo," I make the slightest move to approach him.

"Leave."

I can't. I feel like I can never go back once I leave. The finality on your words means I'll lose you completely. I don't want that. Can't we just remain unchanged?

"If you have even just the tiniest bit of respect for me, Seunghoon, leave me and don't keep me as a fuck buddy you only want whenever you have the time. If you really mean your apology, just runaway even if I chase after you. Just until I come back to my senses. Please?"

I rise to my feet. I'm the rational one between the two of us, so it's only logical that I'm the one to initiate distancing. He is the one who fell and who is hurting, so I should be the one helping him to heal. But each step I take away from him feels so heavy, like there are sandbags tied around my ankles.

"Can... can we still be friends?"

"Friends?" He laughs bitterly. "I'm just a neighbor, remember?"

Can I turn back time to take it all back? But what would I do differently? In whatever way, it will all end up badly and hurting Jinwoo. As long as it's me.

I exit his apartment and close the door behind me. I let myself collapse as I imagine the once promising love I dreamed of reaching at the end of a tunnel crumbles like a sandcastle through my very own fingers.

"I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry."

That night, I also cried. I cried because my surroundings felt colder than ever. I cried because of that one thing I let go. But mostly, I cried for myself. And I hated it, because I don't think I shed a tear for Jinwoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I make you sad? I originally planned to end it here. But I thought I also wanted to give Jinwoo a chance to tell his side of the story.
> 
> Also, if you're curious about the song Jinwoo sang, it is The Script's Never Seen Anything "Quite Like You".


	3. The First Snowfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is a love that goes beyond winter.

****

~'Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts  
Flashbacks waking me up  
I get drunk, but it's not enough  
'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby~

"Fuck!" I curse quietly as I wipe away a tear. I'd like to say that I tear up because of a bad hangover instead of a broken heart, but I'd be lying. Goddamn it! It's been five months yet I'm still hung up.

~I look through the windows of this love  
Even though we boarded them up  
Chandelier still flickering here  
'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not  
It's death by a thousand cuts~

I can't believe I'd see the day when I'm all grown up and yet still crying over a Taylor Swift song like a teenager. But this song which I discovered while on board of a plane just hit differently from the very first time. People say we listen to songs that reflect our current emotional state. And I say it's our shitty excuse to torture ourselves because we keep playing back the scene in our lives connected to that emotion and song.

~My heart, my hips, my body, my love  
Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch  
Gave up on me like I was a bad drug  
Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club~

Funny how I still miss those hands touching me inside and out. Funny how I still look for his face in the crowd as if he will magically show up. Funny how I can't even say his name without choking on my own tears. But none of it is really funny at all. The joke is on me.

~Our songs, our films, united, we stand  
Our country, guess it was a lawless land  
Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand  
Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans~

I fix the earbuds on my ears and put my phone on the pocket of my jacket. I rise from my seat and push the stop button to signal the driver I'm alighting on the next stop. I squeeze my way through the aisle of the bus so I can stand in front of the exit door. The bus stops and I brace myself to be in contact with the chilly winter air once the door opens. 

~My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust  
Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up  
Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough  
But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts~

I get off the bus and wrap my jacket tighter around me as I brisk walk on one of the busiest street in Sydney.

****

"Why is he not waking up?" My mother queried.

"I don't know." My younger sister replied.

I heard my older sister sighed. "Isn't it obvious? He's nursing a broken heart. Now leave and give him space."

"My poor baby!" Our mother exclaimed.

"His heartbroken again?" My younger sister asked in disbelief.

"How did you know that?" I heard our father probed from somewhere afar.

"Do you all really think he'll get on a plane in a whim and cross the equator just because he misses us?"

"Fair point."

"Makes sense."

"I thought finally our scheme worked."

"Stop talking behind my back as if I can't hear you." I said without opening my eyes or turning to them. I heard the door to my room closes quietly behind me and the receding footsteps of my entire family.

I took off the blanket covering me and blew away the strands of hair blocking my sight. I stared blankly at the unfamiliar ceiling in front of me. The light from outside was seeping through my dark room.

They were all surprised when I showed up last night in their front door. I used my jetlag as a poor excuse to evade their questions and excitement. But my older sister was right, I ran away and it's a blessing in disguise that my family decided to move in Sydney for good, I had a place to runaway to. 

I decided I needed to put a continent between me and Seunghoon instead of just a thin apartment wall because I couldn't trust myself to not start begging for Seunghoon to take me after just a week of not seeing him. Then we would be stuck in a painful cycle of wanting and devouring which would only cause me an even greater and irreparable heartbreak. That is how crazily in love I am with that stone-cold man. Present tense because I didn't think I'd be moving on anytime soon.

****

I guessed my time was up for my peaceful and quiet mourning after four days because my older sister finally barged into my room to drag me out of bed.

"Come on. Let's go shopping. You need new clothes."

"My old clothes are still serving their purpose very well. I don't need new ones." I put the blanket back over my head.

She tugged at the blanket and removed it completely from the bed. "You need to get out of this room. It's already very stuffy here. The autumn air outside is very refreshing."

"Just open the humidifier and the diffuser." I said as I put my right arm over my eyes.

She stood beside my bed and tugged at my arm stubbornly. "Mom said she will kick you out if you don't start working."

"Mom would never say that."

"Dad is giving you an ultimatum--"

"I still have fifty million won on my bank account. I can still contribute to earn my keep." I cut her off as I rolled over to lie on my stomach and hide from her.

She slapped my butt so hard it echoed in my room. "Just get your godforsaken ass off this freaking bed right now, Kim Jinwoo! Or else I'll drag you downstairs." She already used her stern voice and eldest child authority that I was left violently flailing my arms and legs as protest.

But I got up anyway. The dragging part wasn't an empty threat. She already did it twice to me, holding onto my ankle as she dragged me down like a heavy sack of rice and I didn't want another replay.

She pushed me into the shower and left me to take a bath while she rummaged my bag to choose clothes for me. I put on her choice of clothes and sat forlornly on my bed. She dried my hair and fixed it for me. I felt so lethargic but I appreciated my sister's effort to care for me. After putting on a pair of sneakers, she grabbed my wrist, pulled me to my feet. She still dragged me downstairs but at least now I was upright.

Downstairs, our mother forced me to eat something, she even cooked kimchi stew and I wanted to weep. I only had a few bite due to my lack of appetite. Then my sister continued to drag me outside our front door.

Before getting inside her car, we both saw our younger sister talking to a boy while they were walking. We paused to stare and I suddenly felt a protective instinct over my baby sister who's already 18. 

She noticed us and asked, "What?" She rolled her eyes when we didn't reply. "We're just friends." She added as if to answer a silent question from us.

I saw the boy smile sadly behind her back and I couldn't help empathizing. "At least you're a friend. And not just a neighbor." It hurt and I just wanted to slap myself right there and then. Instead, I just got in the passenger seat and let my older sister drag me wherever she wanted.

We were done shopping after losing 10 million won from my bank account and we're just sipping tea in a fancy teashop when she started asking, "So how special is this boy this time for you to act like it's the end of your world?"

"I think it's a conversation worthy of a bottle of beer or whiskey rather than a cup of tea."

She just shrugged off my invitation to drink and waited for my answer. I was reluctant to speak, not because this was the first time I was going to be comforted by her. Rather it's because we've been in this situation so many times before and I was always the one needing comfort. I just thought she might be tired of all my love life dramas.

I actually admired how my sisters are all so strong and assertive when it comes to love and men. While I have always been the fragile one. Unlike them, I easily fall in love every damn time. My standards were so low I didn't think it should be called standards at all. But I was also always the first one to flee once my relationships start failing.

"He is a very special guy." I played with the rim of my teacup. "You know how I've always been into bad boys."

"Yeah. I don't know why you're a sucker for those types. Even that Song Minho guy, though he's extremely gorgeous, looked like he was up to no good. They just mean trouble."

"I guess, I was under an illusion that I can change them. I thought so highly of myself, like they are charity cases I can fix. I thought I am important enough in their lives to make them choose between me and their way of living. Which is stupid, of course. And in the end, it's always me who I can no longer recognize when I look in the mirror.

"But Seunghoon is different. He's very special because he's different. He is so proper and compose, imposing and respectable. He is so good, almost perfect. The ideal guy, just minus his tactless mouth. I thought, finally, I found someone who will take my feelings seriously. Someone who I don't have to change. But, boy, I was so wrong. And he's just way out of my league."

Cliché it might sound but it was love at first sight on the day of the first snowfall.

My parents kicked me out of our old family house. It wasn't as bad as it sounded like, I just liked being dramatic. They said they wanted to sell the house since they weren't planning on going back to Korea anymore. They wanted to buy a property in Sydney and they needed the money. So I had to move out and that's how I found myself in that godforsaken apartment.

It was my moving in day and I stood helplessly beside the truck that contained all of my belongings. I let the movers I hired to do all the lifting. I'm quite strong myself but I felt so dejected that day to move, even listlessly. It was the day that I learned the whole selling of the house was my parents' scheme to make me follow them to Sydney to live with them but I was so against with living in Sydney because my whole life was in Seoul.

That was the first time I saw Seunghoon. I didn't know where he lives or his name yet that time. But I just knew he was so damn attractive in his black leather biker jacket and black ripped jeans. He's so tall and his legs were so long. The spitting bad boy image that I had always preferred.

He was walking towards me with an intense look in his eyes and it's like the world was moving in slow motion. In my point of view, he was sparkling like some kind of a main lead in a chick flick movie. And to make it even more romantic, the world chose that moment to let go of its first snowfall. The white fluffy snow got stuck in his jet black hair which he unconsciously shook off as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was breathtaking.

But my fantasy was ruined when he just walked past me to his equally gorgeous motorbike parked beside the truck. I would've been offended that he didn't even spare me a glance but I wanted to laugh deliriously and coo at him instead. Because his dog was strapped on his back wearing somehow similar ensembles, a black leather jacket, a black collar with tiny metal spikes and a pair of black shades. They wore a twinning outfit and they looked cool and cute as fuck and right there and then, I fell.

It was a surprise to me that we were actually next door neighbors. I felt like I was over the moon that night. I thought it was the sign I needed and the only chance I had to pursue him and make him fall for me. I thought I was doing a good job by being straightforward. I had always been the one waiting for the other person to make the first move in all of my past relationships, but not with Seunghoon. Because I had a sense of urgency to have him. Call it instinct, but behind his stoic face and sharp calculating eyes, I could see a broken man who accumulated so much sadness and loneliness over the years and I wanted to get rid of all of it as quickly as I could. I wanted to shower him with all the love I could give. I had been wearing my heart on my sleeves all this time but he seemed so clueless about it, either clueless or he was just turning a blind eye.

I got really hurt when he introduced me to his sister as just a neighbor. I was like after all the fucking? Really? I was just a neighbor? Suddenly I was back to a version of me who didn't know a thing about Dating 101 and who couldn't even read and differentiate his mixed signals. I really thought he was into me with the way he looked at me under those beautiful fireworks. And then he made me question myself. Was he ashamed of me because of all the qualities that I lack? It was disheartening but still, I tried to mask it. If he was one of my past boyfriends, I would have broken it off right away. But of course there was nothing break off between us in the first place.

But I guess naivety became my middle name ever since meeting Seunghoon because I would always find myself making an excuse for him. I told myself it's just the beginning, he'd open up to me later on, he'd realize it, and I just had to show it more. I thought I could break through his walls and melt his ice but he proved to be impenetrable. And God knows how much I tried so hard. I walked in a fragile line while hovering around him. Conscious of not overstepping my boundary and not to scare the wounded lion in him.

But maybe the method I chose was incorrect because I used sex to deliver my frustrations on his insensitivity and my uncontrollable screaming feelings. He would always be all spent and tired afterwards to see me watch him sleep while tucking his locks of hair behind his ear or even feel the light little kisses I leave on his forehead and collarbone. The little things I did to show that behind my burning passion for him was my sincerity in wanting and loving him.

In the end, it was all for naught. We were a mess of guarded man with walls as tall and sturdy as the Great Wall of China and a loser who kept choosing the wrong choices in life. We're bound to fail and to fall apart in the usual way. Yeah, maybe I gained some mind-blowing orgasm from him but other than that, I got nothing but a broken heart.

"He seems to be a complicated man."

"He is.” I agreed. “I get that most likely he had been through a lot. But why wouldn't he give me a chance?"

"Maybe you were too impatient. Maybe you were rushing things."

Am I?

"Your confession must have flustered him and he seems to be the type with ideals. Ideals which resulted from his past. And you were moving too fast and demanding too quickly for him to have the time to remold those ideals into someone like you."

"So you're saying I was the one who messed up?" I deflated on my seat.

"Let's just say you're both humans with your own issues." My sister rose from her seat. "Let's go."

I looked at her questioningly. "I don't want to go home yet. I'll just mope in my room again." I whined.

"I know a great karaoke pub where you can cry your heart out and drink all your pain away."

"Call."

That night, I ruined my vocal chords screaming the lyrics to a lot of Taylor Swift songs while downing two bottles of whiskey all by myself. Hang in there, my liver.

****

And because I grew ashamed of causing my family's worried expressions around the dinner table every night, I voluntarily left my room one day to find a job. It was an excuse to reassure my family that I was recovering and doing just fine.

It's not like we're struggling financially. My parents were both accomplished people, Mother used to be an editor-in-chief of a high-class fashion magazine and Father used to be a director of neurosurgery department. They both retired at the age of 65 and migrated to Sydney to join my sister who had been here since her college years. We weren't super rich and we had no family image to uphold. We're just the 'Kims', harmonious and full of love. And sometimes, I'd blame the overflowing love I received from my parents for becoming someone who is always in need of a lover to pour my love and devote myself into.

I spent an entire day just roaming around and familiarizing myself in this new environment. By sunset, I came to a resolution to rebuild my life here. I should start shedding Seunghoon out of my system like how a snake would shed its skin. And I could only do that if I would be busy, if I would be able to take off my mind from any thoughts of Seunghoon. And for that, I need a job.

I wasn't confident yet to apply for a corporate job here because of my broken English so I searched for part-time jobs instead. I was fascinated by Australia's coffee culture so I decided to apply as a server on a coffee shop that I personally liked, with homey and very authentic ambience. And I was also thinking that if alcohol couldn't help me wake the fuck up from my nightmare, maybe the smell of caffeine could.

At first, the manager was refusing, saying I was overqualified after seeing my, well, uhmmm... impressive (I guess) work experience. But I told the manager that I needed a job just until I can get my shit together. And after some insistent pleading, puppy eyes, and a promise that their customers would double, he gave in.

I'm well aware of the fact that I am blessed on the visual department, so I used that to charm the customers. Soon enough, the patrons increased and true to my words, the cafe's sales doubled in just a month. I liked it, serving customers, meeting different people every day. It was a refreshing change of pace in my introverted life. I liked it when customers return my smiles like I actually made their day a bit brighter. I liked hearing the buzzing noise of conversations coming from the tables, preventing me from listening to the buzz of my own mind. I liked learning from watching how to make the different types of coffee. And most importantly, I liked the free coffees and sweets.

For five months, I managed to live like this. Normal, happy and productive. Except on days that I just wake up to a pain on my chest because I'm missing Seunghoon. I still miss him. I don't know what kind of potion he made me drink that I find it so hard to forget him. 

****

I think missing Seunghoon so much made me see things that aren't supposed to be there. I had a hallucination that he was standing outside the cafe observing me. Should I start seeing a doctor? I think I'm going crazy.

I clock out of work by three in the afternoon and I hurriedly walk so I can be on time for the next bus scheduled to pick up on my stop. It's unusually colder today. I heard from the news earlier that it may rain in the afternoon. Another reason to rush to go home. 

I take the shortcut across a small park but I'm stopped in my track. Suddenly, I'm breathless and my heart is pounding hard in my chest. I'm not even sure if it's due to brisk walking.

Then it happened. The first snowfall. And it's like the world stopped moving altogether. People around me are startled as well because it isn't a natural phenomenon in Australia. They have four seasons but it never snow in winter, only on mountaintops. Climate change is really uncontrollably worst now. Soon after, the people in the city start bustling again, fascinated by the sudden snowfall. Phones ringing and people chattering excitedly.

But I remain standing on my spot as the person in front of me doesn't make any move either. I have so many thoughts. I have so many words I want to say. But my cocky mouth just manages to utter, "Are you stalking me?"

He nods once, slowly and sadly.

"Took you five months to realize you can't live without me?"

He sighs in resignation and nods again, thrice. 

This is unfair. So unfair!

I'm already making progress. It's slow but still a progress. I'm already halfway on my journey to unlove him. But all he has to do is show up here looking miserable to make me retrace my steps faster than the speed of light. God! I still love him with my whole being.

He opens his mouth to say something but he looks like he's having a hard time putting his thoughts into words. And I'm on the same predicament.

I should be mad. I should be pushing him away and telling him to leave me alone. I know I should because the right thing for us is to not cling onto something toxic. But I'm never someone to stand up for what's upstanding and right. I'm a loser, remember? I pick wrong choices for as long as it makes me happy. And right now, I'm so happy to think that Seunghoon followed me here in Sydney to beg for me. I badly want to wrap my arms around him right in this moment. I'm just hanging by a thin thread before I start attacking Seunghoon with my kisses. Goodness gracious! I'm so fragile!

"I'm sorry."

"You know how much I hate those words when it's coming from you."

"I--... so--" He closes his eyes and shakes his head, racking his brain for the right words. When he opens his eyes, there's conviction. "They say you only realize a person's worth once you lose them. And I'm so stupid to be that kind of person, for letting you slip away from me before I can see how much you mean to me."

I want to cry at the sight of him struggling for words. Tears of joy. Because I know that the cause of his struggle is his fear to lose his only chance at winning me back. I feel so important. I guess the last five months being away from him is worth it.

"I miss you. I was miserable without you. So I came here..."

And I already know what he has to say so I just want to spare him from an excruciating monologue. I don't need more drama. I still love him and he's here now as an indication that he feels the same. There's no point in prolonging his agony.

"You look too decent for someone who is miserable." I tease.

He looks startled by my response. He blinks twice, then shake his head as a small smile starts forming on his lips. "Do I have to look like a beggar if I'm going to beg on my knees?"

"No. Don't kneel. We should not do inappropriate things in public." I smile slyly.

"Jinwoo," He shakes his head again. "What should I do with you?"

"Hug me, maybe?" I suggest as I open my arms.

His face softens and his eyes sparkle as unshed tears start to pool. He rushes into me then envelope me in his arms. I like it. He feels so warm. I rest my head on his shoulder as I snake my arms around his waist.

"What did I do to deserve you? How can you be so forgiving?"

"It's because I'm a saint. A stupid and hopelessly in love saint."

He tenses then whisper a soft apology. Before I can even scold him for apologizing again, he nuzzles on my neck and start speaking. "I was so confused back then. I was clueless-- no, I was in denial about my true feelings because I got so scared. I know nothing about love, about receiving and giving, about caring for another person. For so many years, I only cared about myself that I've forgotten how to be considerate. I don't know how I can make you happy. I don't know how I can love you back. I know words won't be enough and I feared that my actions will be lacking and you'll just end up hating me for that. I got scared to gamble everything I have in something I know nothing of but I realized it is scarier to lose you forever."

Oh my poor Seunghoon! "You don't have to be scared anymore, Seunghoon." I run my right hand through his hair and rub my left on his back to comfort and assure him. "I will catch you. I will be there for you every step of the way. I love you so much."

I hear him sniffles as I feel his tears trickle on the side of my neck. "I should have just said it back. I should have just let you love me so I could learn from you on how I can love you back properly. I should have trusted you especially when falling for you was as easy as breathing. I shouldn't have put you through so much pain just because of my stupidity and insecurities. It was too late for me to realize that maybe... just maybe, staying with you is the simplest way to make you happy."

Hearing Seunghoon explains his side brings me to tears. He unravels his fears and faults right in front of me and I can't be happier to realize he trusts me now more than ever. "I'm also sorry if I didn't give you a chance to hear you out first and ran away impulsively."

He shakes his head. "No, don't be. It was a wakeup call for me. It was impossibly cold and dark without you." He pulls away to bring our foreheads together. "Will you take me back?"

"That's funny. Because we weren't exactly in a relationship, remember?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Then, will you accept me as your boyfriend? I promise I will love you right this time."

"Seal it with a kiss." I demand.

He gives me a chaste one. "I love you."

I stand on my tiptoes to peck his lips once, "Are you sure?" Twice, "Final answer?" Thrice, "No turning back."

"Yes. I love you."

I wrap my arms around his neck to pull him into me so I can kiss him properly, with every bit of love I have for him. And it is startling when he puts his hand at the small of my back to bring me closer into him, into his warm body. I have to break away, "Wait!"  
Seunghoon is panting as I look around us. It's embarrassing to realize we've been publicly displaying our affection in a park full of passers-by. Our eyes meet and I find it funny that I know it's not only Seunghoon who is red-faced at the moment due to embarrassment.

"Let's get out of here."

"Where to?"

"Which way is your hotel?" 

Seunghoon didn't answer, he just holds my hand and intertwines our fingers, then he starts leading me to the direction, I suppose, of the hotel where he is staying.

“Why the rush?” I tease again.

He gives me a playful side-eye before answering, "I'm going to show you tonight how much I've missed you and how much I mean my words this time."

I giggle, "Looking forward to it."

But then the snow melted easily and soon it starts raining, soaking me and Seunghoon while we are on our way. It's excessively cold but being next to each other, we are burning with passion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading until the end. Please know that it means so much to me.
> 
> The song that Jinwoo is listening to at the beginning of the chapter is Death by a Thousand Cut by Taylor Swift.


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